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With the GE just a week away, we thought we’d save our peers the trouble of reading the manifestos*. If you’re currently working in digital (and therefore probably one of the ‘squeezed middle’) simply find the digital force you’re most drawn to and vote accordingly.
*PS, for the love of the country, please actually read the genuine manifestos. Bigotry by default is not a good way to go with this…
Politician: Nigel Farage
Digital alter-ego: Remarketing
Slogan: Repeating on you like last night’s kebab.
There’s nothing worse than seeing this revolting annoyance everywhere you go. Most commonly seen on the Sun, Daily Mail and adult fetish sites.
We’re talking about that irritating Debenhams’ ad of course.
Take heed, you might be targeted more if you’re partial to muttering “they’ve taken our jobs” and have the St George’s Cross tattooed across your belly.
Politician: Nick Clegg
Digital alter-ego: Instagram
Slogan: Ruining education for young people everywhere.
Nick Clegg seems like a nice chap, but a generation of youngsters now have to pay up to £9,000 per year to study at university. Many of them will never pay it back.
But thanks to Instagram, the brain power of our younger generation has been sapped anyway. Study time has been sucked up by selfies and fawning over reality TV stars. The trade of selfie sticks alone has probably slashed national debt.
Nick Clegg & Instagram; stunting your education since 2013.
Digital alter-ego: Snapchat
Slogan: Because we all care. For 20 seconds.
It’s fashionable to be green, but there’s much more to the Green Party than sound environmental policy. Just like there’s more to Snapchat than pictures of road kill.
If you don’t fracking care about sorting your plastics from your glass, you should. Think of the children.
Political figure of the year: Boris Johnson
Digital alter-ego: Bing
Slogan: There’s power in obscurity
Despite having some pretty nifty features (Bing has poignant imagery, Boris has hair), the general populous fails to take both seriously.
Politician: David Cameron
Digital alter-ego: Google
Slogan: I’m feeling
The Prime Minister of the UK and the Big G. Obviously.
If Google was a middle-aged Brit, we feel it would vote Conservative. Especially now Cameron has pledged a 5 year tax lock. This will please Google, who has famously been almost crippled by extortionate tax rates before. Ahem.
Digital alter-ego: Facebook
Slogan: Power to the people. Apart from rich people/small businesses/toffs. They can pay.
Facebook and Labour are all for those of us who don’t live like Kate Middleton. Labour have pledged to offer guaranteed 8am-6pm care for primary school children and freeze rail fares. Facebook ban boobs and help catch criminals who boast about their cannabis farms. Ah, the greater good.
So, we guess all that’s left to say is ‘happy voting people!’ Use your right to vote wisely (i.e. don’t consult us or BuzzFeed) and check out the Guardian’s tailored voting guide if you need quick, helpful advice.