Lee Turner briefs team for new Fluid website: ‘The moon on a stick’ required

We love designing websites. You know that.

But in the final weeks before the new Fluid site launch…well… quite frankly we’re ready to kill someone.

So we thought we’d let off some steam by taking a typical client brief and dripping it with the type of ‘requests’ we see on a regular basis.

Naturally our spoof brief will be coming to us, from our MD Lee Turner. Just because it’s always smart to poke fun at the person who pays your wages.

Enjoy!

New Fluid Creativity Website Brief – Prepared by Lee Turner (MD)

 

Project Title: The most innovative website created. Ever.

Background

I require, from my staff at Fluid Creativity, a new Fluid website that will ensure no other digital agencies in Manchester (nee the world) will ever secure business again.

As the concept of an “agency website which showcases excellent design, development and online marketing” has never been contemplated before, all Fluid staff will be expected to sign a non-disclosure form before starting work on the project. The project will additionally be carried out from a deep sea vessel to ensure no ground-breaking information leaks occur.

I further reserve the right to medically alter your retinas to protect sacred designs – I don’t trust that Chris Kershaw…

I know you will all be delighted to barely sleep for the next 6 months, spend a large chunk of time crying under your desk and ensure the website is mentioned in the next Queen’s speech, Oscars and the 9 o’clock news.

After all, there’s no ‘i’ in team (insert similarly futile cliché to make yourselves feel better…)

Objectives

 

Target audience:

Suitable for ages 3+. Ideally our clients will be business men/women of distinction with completely unique ideas. Examples of such ground-breaking ideas include a sort of social platform which allows users to connect with friends, post photos and ‘jab’ people as a sign of affection.

Like I said, totally unique concepts.

Budget:

Don’t spend too much. Seriously. A ten-spot should do it – anymore and I’m off to 1 and 1.

Timescales:

By my estimation, design work for the project will take around 1 hour (you get them off clipart right?) Development work will come in at 2 hours (those code monkeys don’t need to do much). Copywriting will be around 1 hour (Wikipedia job) and marketing will take 5 minutes (1 viral tweet – sorted).

Website Requirements: Getting the website actually, like, on the internet?

I’m not asking for the universe, but “the moon on a stick” would be nice and not that difficult to achieve either. I could get the moon on a stick in half an hour, but I think it would do you good to learn how to do it yourselves.

[Please see image included showing how I propose attaching said moon to said stick]

WordPress WILL be the platform for the new site. Quite frankly I’m sick of Magento. It can’t make me do things. I won’t do it. Community edition haunts me. Enterprise, Enterprise….mwah ha ha.

All Magento and no play make Lee a dull boy
All Magento and no play make Lee a dull boy
All Magento and no play make Lee a dull boy
All Magento and no play make Lee a dull boy
All Magento and no play make Lee a dull boy
All Magento and no play make Lee a dull boy

Digital Marketing

I would like to cover all bases and ensure that Google users automatically find the new Fluid website. By hacking Google and modifying the algorithm, I fully expect the team to ensure popular search terms i.e. Tesco, Apple and super hot cam all automatically pass to the Fluid site.

The aim of this is to make internet users realise that they do need a top-notch website.

The search terms I expect you to target include:

Key Phrase Local search volume monthly
well amazing manc agency n/a
super fit website design n/a
magento massive n/a
awesome n/a
super awesome n/a
totes awesome n/a
bad-ass social media n/a
dirty lee manchester n/a
managing directors misbehaving n/a
dogging direct n/a

 

Social Media

 

“The two ‘V’s and one ‘G’ of social media”

Any successful marketing campaign is based on three things:

  • Viral
  • Viral
  • Gangnam Style

I require a social strategy that will ensure the first tweet announcing the new Fluid site launch will go globally viral.

In order to achieve these objectives, my principle ‘flying pig team’ will head the campaign.

As part of our viral strategy I propose:

  • Tweeting valuable Coronation Street cast members in the hope of a retweet.
  • Asking all female staff to pose with a tablet and two smartphones covering the lady goodies. (Not confirmed)
  • Buy Twitter for a reasonable sum.

I also think we should utilise Facebook advertising to achieve our objectives. With a generous budget of $5 per day I expect to reach likes somewhere in the millions*.

(*Multiplied by 100,000,000 – so billions, basically).

Using a simple equation of: 7 billion people in the world – minus all the new born children and all those too old to use the internet, I expect us to reach the following number across social media:

750, 857, 474, 00000000000000000000000000000000

How will you measure my our success?

Each month, I will warmly welcome a golden stork, which will personally deliver traffic and social reports to the studio. If traffic should dip below 3 million visitors per month, a Fluid Creativity employee will be made to wear a Matt Cutts mask and spend the day talking with an American accent. Y’all have been warned.

What creative strategies will you adopt?

Videography

As our copywriters tell me they “feel like they might be a bit tired on the day we are due to create the site content”, I require an entirely new concept termed ‘videography’. A multimedia creative will take over this dark and mysterious content format and bring it to life. We may put it on the You Tube. Naturally, we will be sacrificing him once the video is completed in order to save his soul.

Graphic Design

To disguise the fact some members of the Fluid team can’t read, we will be using icons to showcase our services in a unique (and quite frankly necessary) manner.

Accessibility

It is important that only people of class, virtue and those who smell nice visit the site, so I propose a slight rose-tinted sepia which will prove to be an effective deterrent for the “riff-raff”.

Unfortunately this means some of you (i.e. Mit, Steph, Nicola and Julia) won’t be able to view the new site. With time, elocution lessons and a good bath or two may mean you can slowly start to view certain aspects of the site.

The contact form will also have a captcha form with a simple question “Bollinger or Moet and why in 10 words”. This purpose of this, again, is to keep the current calibre of Fluid clients.

I will be happy to answer any further questions and happily accept additional ass-kissing at your convenience. Contact me anytime on 0161 368 9814. Don’t worry if the “Golden Wok” answers your call, that’s just my new personal assistant none of you have ever met.

Good luck team

February 14th 2014: It’s coming

Victoria Browne
  • Written by on 17th January 2014 at 14:57
  • “Victoria Browne is a copywriter & social campaigns manager at Fluid Creativity.”
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